The Big Wait

Recently, we had someone ask the question: "How do/did you handle the BIG wait?" We sent it out to adoptive couples who have had placements and asked them to share their thoughts. We got some great responses and we will be posting them throughout the week. If you have a question, ask! Go to the right side of the blog and type it in the formspring box, or email it to coloradofsa@gmail.com.

How did you handle the BIG wait?

Before we knew a baby was coming to our family, we just tried to stay busy and plan fun things to do together. It helped us to not focus on the actual "waiting" part of the process. I remember when we were getting to know our first caseworker, she told us to plan like we would not be placed with a baby for 5 years, instead of trying to plan our lives around the possibility of being placed with a baby in the near future. I tried to get in the mindset that it would take that long, so that I wasn't just waiting around for the phone to ring or for a birth mom to email us. We planned fun trips and activities so we had those to look forward to. We even planned a cruise with my in-laws, but we ended up having to put it on hold because we were placed with our son before we could go!

-Rebecca and Jared


Best advice: Don't compare yourselves to other people. I think one of the biggest mistakes we made during the wait was wondering why others got their babies so quickly and thinking that there must be something wrong with us because we didn't. Every journey in adoption is completely different. I think one of the hardest questions your caseworker has to answer is "How long will the wait be?". When we first applied, we were just sure that we would be selected very quickly. We didn't want to hear the sad stories of others who had to wait two or three years. That just made us feel hopeless. But in the end, the birth mom who selected a us had two main criteria from which she started her search: the couple had to be married a long time (more than 10 years) and had to have no other children. It seems that in order for us to qualify for our baby, we HAD to wait a long time. It's weird how it all works out.

The thing that helped me the most was that we continued to try our best to enjoy the time we had together before we had a baby. I lived my life the way I wanted, and tried not to put things on hold. Just like you can never go back to high school (and you wouldn't want to!), once the baby comes, you can never go back to being just a couple (not that you would want to do that, either!). I look back on the "pre-baby" years with warm feelings, and I'm glad I didn't waste all my time being sad. I put my whole heart into my church callings, and thanked my Heavenly Father that I had the ability to serve in a different way than my friends who had children. I learned to not just pray for a baby, but to pray for clarity in knowing what to do and how to live my life during "the wait." I prayed that my husband and I would be unified in our decision making. I allowed myself to grieve and feel pain, but worked hard to stay positive and recognize that I truly was blessed. I am thankful now for the lessons I've learned in my life, and realize that having a "long wait" has made me who I am, and I truly like the person I have become. As women, so much of our identity is tied to our dream of becoming a mother. When that doesn't happen, it can really mess with our emotions and cause us to question much of our belief system. I always thought that if I was righteous, things would just "turn out" the way they were supposed to. Looking back, I realize that the most painful thing about waiting so long was that I feared that God had forgotten about me and my little family, and that he loved others more than me and that's why they were selected faster. I learned that service opportunities and church callings were a reminder to me that God had not forgotten about me and that no matter what, I had a great work to do while I was here on this earth. Remember always that with or without children, your life has value and you have so much to give. Your individual worth is based on much more than motherhood. It's interesting, because I realize now that things did "turn out" the way they were supposed to, even if it wasn't the way I planned.

-Amy

We've adopted 2 children, and are trying to adopt a 3rd. We've had two very difficult failed adoptions in the last 9 months. After the second failed attempt, when the baby was taken back after she was placed with us, I was very depressed. But unlike the first failed attempt, I decided to fully feel and accept the failure - and allow myself to grieve. And then ... move on. I have children. I'm not going to be sad for what I don't have, or I won't be able to enjoy what I DO have. I found this to be true even before we had our first child. I needed to just LIVE - instead of only WAIT. While we were waiting for our first child, I was working and we were able to pay off debt. That's certainly something to be grateful for! Life is only lived once, and we can't live each day waiting impatiently for tomorrow. I have learned (the hard way) that I need to be grateful for today and find joy in today. Tomorrow will come on its own.

-Laura

I think the only good answer to this is to just really dive into things that make you happy. Work extra hard on projects, take more hikes in the mountains, eat at lots of new restaurants, etc. Just stay busy doing the things you love. Another thing is to work hard promoting your adoption. Make your pass-along cards, and make sure to hand them out wherever you go. That way you feel like you are doing your best to make progress, while not wallowing in the waiting process.

-Tiffany